the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
