OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
