i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
