NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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