i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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