I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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