apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
