so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
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