i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
