So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
