i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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