I wannas sexs uuuuu
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
