My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Fuck appropriateness.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
