i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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