I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
