happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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