im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
