Got a toothbrush?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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