Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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