My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
