I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
