she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
