Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
