Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
