he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
