Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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