When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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