Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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