I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think my mom watched the whole time
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
