Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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