how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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