OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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