Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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