Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
