a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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