If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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