She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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