I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
