it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
