unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
