Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
