I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
