turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
