Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
