I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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