There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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