Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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