I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
soo... how was my night?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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