Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
