you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
what day is it and did you see me today?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
two words: eviction party
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
