The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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