I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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