ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
