Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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