i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
